Dvar Torah Parashat Devarim

Dedicated in Honor of Our Newborn Grandson,

Abraham Albert Mamiye

By His Loving Grandparents, Sarah and Abe Mamiye

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Parashat Devarim - Shabbat Chazon

Giving Rebuke

This parasha of Devarim begins the fifth and final book that Moshe received on Har Sinai. In this parasha, Moshe, near death, gave his last speech to Bnei Yisrael before they entered the Land of Israel. The first passuk begins with the words, “Eleh hadevarim asher diber Moshe el kol Yisrael be’ever hayarden — These are the words that Moshe spoke to Bnei Yisrael on the other side of the Jordan.”

The gematria—numerical value of the word, “eleh” equals 36. Eleh represents the last 36 days of Moshe’s life when he gathered Bnei Yisrael and rebuked them for all the bad things they had done as they journeyed through the desert.

Moshe waited until the end of his life to give them tochecha—rebuke for a few reasons. One reason is that the rebuke is more effective when one is old and at the end of his life. In addition, had he rebuked them earlier, they would have been embarrassed during the years that followed, which could have negatively affected them. Rashi points out in the third passuk that Moshe learned this lesson from Yaakov, who waited until his deathbed to rebuke Reuven because he feared that the criticism would make his son join Esav.

How careful must we be today when rebuking someone! Rabbi Diamond teaches us that today we don’t know how to deliver rebuke properly, and chas veshalom, we may turn someone off from Judaism through improper criticism. I’ve seen this happen too often, and when someone gets turned off from a rebuke, it’s extremely difficult — and sometimes impossible — to help them return to Torah again.

Rabbi David Sutton says that if we do deliver rebuke, before doing so, we must first give them praise and compliments even as much as ten times to cushion the blow of the negative effect that the rebuke will have.

Chinuch

In recalling their request to send meraglim—spies to assess Eretz Yisrael beforehand, Moshe chastises Bnei Yisrael for making the request, but he conceded that “The idea was good in my eyes (1:23).” The Talmud deduces that Moshe felt it was a good idea to send meraglim, but Hashem did not. Hashem knew that sending spies would end in disaster, and He did not want them to go.

Rabbi Frand asks that if Hashem knew that the meraglim would end up poisoning the nation’s minds against Eretz Yisrael, why did He agree they could go? Hashem could have told Moshe, “Tell them that I am G-d, I call the shots, and I said ‘NO!’”

Rabbi Mottel Katz, the late Rosh Yeshivah of Telz in Cleveland, Ohio, takes an important lesson in chinuch from this incident. There are times that children want to do something that their parents deem inappropriate or incorrect. Our parental instincts tell us to lay down the law and prohibit them from doing what they want. We reason to ourselves that we are required to mechanech—educate our children, and sometimes this means that we have to say, “No.”

But is it always right to say no?

We learn from the spies that there are times that we have to grant requests, even if we know that what our children want is wrong. Hashem knew that the people were not ready to accept His refusal. Had Moshe returned from Hashem with a negative response, they would have thought, “How are we supposed to go and fight against a country without sending spies? Everyone knows that you don’t fight without intelligence,” and they may have sent spies anyway.

Sometimes, notes Rabbi Katz, chinuch is all about conceding. We have to distinguish between when our children can accept the denial and when they are just too set on doing what they intend to do to receive our “no.”

Feeling the Loss

The Dubno Maggid shares a powerful parable to help us understand Tisha B’av. He compares the loss of the bet Hamikdash to a couple who had finally gotten pregnant after being married for twenty-two years. The couple was overjoyed and counting down the days until the birth. However, when the day came, there were unexpected complications, and the doctor explained to the husband that only the baby or the mother can survive. (This is a parable. Halacha teaches that the mother’s life must be saved.)

The husband discussed the heartbreaking situation with his wife. Through tear filled eyes she said, “Even though we have lived so happily together for so many years, I am willing to give up my life so that the son we have waited for can live.”

A few minutes later the doctor came out and said, “Mazal tov on your new baby boy and Baruch Dayan HaEmet on your wife.”

Fast forward thirteen years, and the son was becoming bar mitzvah. The father spent months creating a beautiful and lavish bar mitzvah. The day marked the boy’s mother’s thirteenth yahrzeit and the first time her only child would be able to recite Kaddish for her. All eyes were upon this young boy during this beautiful bittersweet moment. To the crowd’s surprise the boy mumbled kaddish in a matter of seconds. He then turned to his father and said, “I made kaddish, can we go home now?”

His father was at a loss for words. He composed himself, “Are you not embarrassed? How can you show no emotion at a time like this? Don’t you know what your mother sacrificed for you?!”

The son calmly replied, “Father I don’t know why everyone is making such a commotion. I never met my mother. She passed away when I was born. I never spoke with her or got to know her. You knew her so you can feel emotional about everything that happened, I cannot.”

The Dubno Maggid explains that although we never met this boy, we would all yell at this boy. In truth, this little boy lives within every one of us. Hashem gave up His home to save is from our sins. Hashem just asks of us one thing, that we spend one day remembering His sacrifice. May we spend this time feeling the pain of the Shechina.

Labeling is Disabling

The following is a true story about Rav Shlomo Wolbe, ZT’L, a veteran expert in proper chinuch. Rav Wolbe wrote extensively about raising children and the psychology of moral education. He had a gentle and practical approach, and this story exemplifies many aspects of his parenting method.

One of his daughters had just gotten engaged, and the future in-laws were invited for a Shabbat dinner at the Wolbe home. In an atmosphere of great purity, Rav Wolbe welcomed the new in-laws warmly, and everyone wished each other Shabbat shalom. When his daughter’s future chatan arrived, he warmly exclaimed, “Welcome to our future son-in-law!” The atmosphere could not have been more joyous and pleasant throughout the Shabbat meal. Suddenly the doorbell rang repeatedly. Everyone was astounded, and there was tension in the room. Who could be ringing the doorbell?

Rav Wolbe opened the door, and in walked his rebellious son, who had left the community and was no longer religious. He wore a t-shirt with slang, jeans, and sneakers. He wasn’t wearing a kippah, and as he walked in, he threw his cell phone and car keys on the hall table.

Rav Wolbe’s response filled everyone with surprise. His voice was filled with love and happiness at seeing his son, and he greeted him like he would have the most outstanding yeshivah scholar. He said warmly, “Oh, welcome, my son. Really, what an honor that you came to join us for dinner tonight. How could we have had this very special Shabbat without you? Come, please come in; you must be hungry.” The son sat at the table next to his father, who did not express any disapproval. His voice was full of acceptance, and his message was one of unconditional love. He was not embarrassed or ashamed of his son in any way in front of his future son-in-law and his family. He made his son feel that his father was so very proud of him.

“I see you’re looking well,” Rav Wolbe said. His son shrugged. “Yeah, I’m fine,” he said flippantly. Rav Wolbe turned to his daughter’s fiancé and said, “You should know that you have an extraordinary brother-in-law, really extraordinary. His intelligence has amazed us since he was a child. I’m certain that you’ll get along well together.” He continued praising his son in front of the others to raise his self-esteem and show his unbending love and respect. He could see right into his son’s heart that he was good and capable of great things, which is what he chose to focus on.

As they were singing Shabbat songs, Rav Wolbe reached out and laid his hand on his son’s. The gesture was full of love and acceptance and said, “No matter what, you are my son. I am very proud of you. I miss you and will always love you.” At the end of the meal, Rav Wolbe said, “Thank you for coming. Our family would never have been complete without you, and we love it so much when you join us.” The son said, “Thank you, Dad,” took his car keys and cell phone, and left. As he reached his car, just as he was about to start the engine, he hesitated, thought about the evening, and decided to return to his father. As he entered the house, he immediately went over to his father, and they hugged each other. He told him, “Thank you for being there for me. I’ll be walking tonight, not driving.”

Ever since that evening, this “rebellious” son changed his ways to become a true man of Torah. He explained it a few years later: “Even with my profanities and provocations — he didn’t get upset, didn’t criticize me, nor did he force me to do anything I wasn’t comfortable with, like saying berachot or wearing a kippah. He surrounded me with much love and acceptance, the only thing that ultimately connected me back to Torah.” As this chinuch expert has taught us, love, rather than rebuke, pays off immensely! It is Ahavat Chinum—unconditional love that will bring the Bet Hamikdash back to us.

What is Truly Important?

During the three weeks we are mourning the destruction of the Bet Hamikdash and focusing on what is truly important. For this reason, we do not listen to music, and we try to strengthen our relationships with our fellow man.

Rabbi Eliyahu Maksumov shares a story of Rav Elchonon Wasserman who once bumped into an old friend at a train station. They began to talk and reminisce. Rabbi Wasserman said that he became a Rabbi and dedicated his days to the study and teaching of Torah. The friend explained that he became a rich lawyer, earned many degrees and accumulated much wealth and prestige.

He asked the Rabbi, “I remember you from the old country. You were a straight A student. You were such a bright and brilliant guy. Why did you not use your brain to amount to something? You could have become a doctor, an accountant, or even a lawyer like me? You could have been great and made a lot of money like me.”

The Rabbi was very smart and patient. They talked a bit more, and then his friend’s train pulled into the station. It was an old, shabby and rickety train. The Rabbi said, “You know for such a fancy guy like you, with your fancy belt and fancy shoes, such a prestigious man like you should not belong on such an old train like this. I think you should go on a nicer train. In fact, there is first class ticket train arriving in five minutes. Go on that train.”

The man looked at the Rabbi, confused. “Rabbi, I know about that train. It is a very nice train, but it is going in the complete opposite direction of where I need to go.”

The Rabbi smiled at him and bid his friend farewell. “May your ears hear the words that are coming out of your mouth. If the train you need is a shabby train, you will take the shabby train because it will take you to your destination. Who cares about the other nicer more comfortable train if it pulls you away from your destination. In life, I choose to take a simpler train because it will bring to my destination of Torah, mitzvot and Hashem.”

If we are genuinly awaiting Mashiach then our goal in life is to serve Hashem and do good for others. During these last few days before Tisha B’av, especially, let us focus on what is truly important and get a little uncomfortable to bring the Bet Hamikdash closer to us.

May we all hesitate before rebuking another person. If we must, may we only do so after first giving positive thoughts and compliments. May we also learn to accept rebuke from others who genuinely want to help us grow. May we learn from Hashem when not to say “no,” and always accept our children with love. May we strive to go outside of our comfort zone to hasten the arrival of Mashiach soon in our days.

Shabbat Shalom!

Rabbi Amram Sananes, written by Jack Rahmey

Discussion Point:

Are we careful to rebuke our children appropriately, with a lot of love and positivity before and after?

This book is a compilation of Divre Torah from the weekly parasha classes from Rabbi Sananes’ teachings over the last 10 years along with my own experiences in those classes which has stimulated my Torah growth. I’ve included many pertinent stories and life lessons to grow from at your Shabbat table. There’s also questions and discussion points at the end of each Parasha to stimulate a Torah conversation at your Shabbat table for the whole family to participate in. Also, included is a holidays section at the end of the book to use for all of our special holidays and Yomiim Toviim.



Now available in all Jewish bookstores and Amazon! Scan the barcode on the right to purchase from Amazon.

Rabbi Sananes and I look forward to hearing your feedback.

Sincerely, Rabbi Amram Sananes and Jack E. Rahmey

AmramSananes@me.com and jrahmey@rahmeyfinancial.com (917-226-6276)

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Anyone interested in dedicating this Divre Torah Le'ilui Nishmat or Refuah Shelemah or In Honor of someone, can email me at

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