Dedicated Le’ilui Nishmat Joseph, Shelomo, and Emily Hamaoui A’H by Albert R. Mosseri
This parasha begins by discussing nedarim. The English word closest to neder is “vow.” When someone makes a neder it becomes as binding as a commandment of the Torah, to the point that if the person violates the neder, there is a court-imposed penalty. For instance, if a person takes a neder to abstain from drinking wine, the wine now takes on the same status as pork. For that person, the thing which the vow prohibits has a new halachik status.
The parasha begins: “Moshe spoke to the heads of the tribes of B’nei Yisrael, saying: ‘This is the thing that Hashem has commanded: If a man makes a vow to Hashem or swears an oath to establish a prohibition upon himself, he shall not desecrate his word, according to whatever comes from his mouth, he shall do.’”
Why does it say that Moshe spoke to the heads of the tribes?
The answer is that they had to set an example for the people.
We also learn from this that nedarim are a very serious matter and that we cannot take them lightly. The closest we come to a neder today is when we pledge to make a donation. Many times, those pledges are made when we have an aliya and are standing by the sefer Torah. When we perform amitzvah, it is said that we create an angel, and that angel will advocate for us in shamayim.
When we make a pledge to give a donation, we are creating half an angel, and that angel is not fully completed until we pay what we promised. Our Rabbis teach us that these half-completed angels cannot help us, and in fact, they can actually hurt us. We must make it our business to always honor our pledges. In order to protect ourselves, it is recommended that we say bli neder when we make a pledge; which means “without a vow.” We should be in the practice of saying bli neder after pledging to make a donation or making any promise that could be considered a neder.
The parasha then discusses nedarim in terms of a man’s wife or daughter under the age of twelve. In passuk 6 it states: “But if her father restrained her on the day of his hearing, all her vows or prohibitions that she established upon herself shall not stand; Hashem will forgive her, for her father had restrained her.” Rashi comments that this refers to a girl who made a neder but didn’t know that her father had revoked it. Then she purposely violated the neder. Technically she didn’t sin because there was no neder at the time, since her father had revoked it, but she still requires forgiveness and atonement. The Rabbis compare this to a person who meant to eat non-kosher food. For example, someone ate a hot dog from a street vendor who is not known to sell kosher food, but by chance the hot dog he ate was actually kosher. Even though the meat was kosher, and no sin was committed, he still would need atonement for his intention to sin.
Your Money or Your Kids?
Later in the parasha, in perek 32, passuk 16, we are told that the descendants of Gad and Reuven said to Moshe that before going to war, “We will build pens for the flocks of sheep and cities for our small children.”
The phrasing suggests that they gave priority to their flocks over their children.
Why would they do this?
In passuk 24, Moshe criticized them by reversing the order of the words they used: “Build for yourself cities for your small children and pens for your flock.”
We also may be guilty of the same thing with our children. At the time of the pidyon haben the kohen asks the father “Do you want the money or your son?” Naturally, it is not a question that is meant to indicate an actual real-life choice, and the kohen would refuse to take the child if the father said he preferred the money. The question is intended to send a message to the father about his duties as a parent and how he must always put his child first.
But as children grow up, many parents work very hard and don’t give the proper time to their children; and the implication could be drawn that they are putting their money ahead of their children. Many children today lack a good relationship with their parents because their parents are busy all day at work. Then when the parents come home, they bring their work with them or spend their free time on their cell phones. The children grow up with a lack of the proper guidance and attention. They then look elsewhere — like the streets — for that missing attention, which can only lead them to trouble!
There’s a famous modern-day parable about the son of a lawyer who once asked his father, “Dad, how much do you charge for an hour of your legal services?” The father replied: “I charge $200 an hour, son. Why do you ask?” The son answered, “Because I saved up $200, can you spend an hour with me?”
There’s another story of a teacher who was marking her students’ homework one night after dinner while her husband was sitting nearby, playing a game on his cell phone. Suddenly, tears welled up in her eyes. “Why are you crying my dear?” her husband asked. “Yesterday I gave my class a writing assignment called ‘My Wish,’ “she told him. “OK, and what’s making you cry?” he asked again, keeping one eye on his game. “The last paper moved me so much it made me cry. Listen, I’ll read it to you,” she replied, wiping her eyes.
“My parents love their smartphones very much. The care about their smartphones so much that sometimes they forget to care about me. When my father comes home from work tired, he has time for his smartphone but not for me. When my parents are doing some important work and their phones rings, they will answer it right away, but they will not answer me…even when I’m crying. They play games on their phones, but not with me. When they are talking to someone on their phones, they never listen to me, even if I’m telling them something important. So my wish is to become a smartphone.”
Now it was the husband who was wiping his eyes. “Who wrote this?” he asked quietly. She looked up at him and said, “Our son.”
Can your phone give you love?
Let us not sacrifice our family and relationships over the pursuit of material things. Smartphones are here to make our lives easier, but not to control us, and make us addicted and unsociable. It’s not too late to return to a real family life, back to the old days when we didn’t have the Internet and computer games. Put down that phone for a while. Talk to your children, your spouse, or your friends. Set a good example for your children. Whatever you do, they will also do. Talk to the people you love and make sure they feel loved. And you can receive love from them too.
As Rabbi Mendel Kalmenson tells us, “In addition to their advantage over adults in terms of spiritual innocence and purity, and the resulting added power of their prayer, in Jewish tradition children are seen to have a greater spiritual sensitivity as well.” It is therefore even more of a missed opportunity not to take advantage of a child’s openness to learning and teach them good values.
Our children didn’t ask to be brought into a world with so many difficulties, and now that they are ours, we must provide them with the best opportunities to achieve growth and happiness. We must teach them discipline and give them good self-esteem by praising their accomplishments so that they will grow to be respectful and upstanding contributors to society, be’ezrat Hashem!
The Month of “Av”
The Three Weeks are a time of Hester Panim, where Hashem is hiding His face, but He is still in control and running the world behind the scenes. Even so, the month we’re approaching is Rosh Chodesh Av, and the Rabbi’s say that the month is called Av because Hashem is our Father in Heaven and is always watching over us. The following is an amazing story told by Rabbi Ephraim Eliyahu Shapiro that depicts just that.
In Hollywood, Florida lived a couple Dr. and Mrs. Rosenblatt. Dr. Joe Rosenblatt was a top oncologist in the country, and one day, his wife, Lilly was driving on I-95. Two lanes away from her was a car for sale. It was a beaten-up pile of metal and the car was so dirty, that the owner wrote “For Sale, Call…” in the dirt. She picked up her phone and called the number on the car. Dr. and Mrs. Rosenblatt had new cars and had no need for a car like that. She always said she never knew why she called, but she did. The number picked up, and out of the blue, Lilly Rosenblatt said, “I’m driving two lanes away from you. Why are you selling your car?” The man in the car could have responded in a number of ways to such a strange question. However, he started to cry and tell his story. “My young wife and I are from South America, we got married only a few years ago. Everything seemed perfect. We just moved to Florida, and upon moving here, unfortunately my wife was diagnosed with a terrible illness. We don’t have any insurance. But every doctor we visit tells us the same thing. ‘The only oncologist who has a chance of saving your wife is Dr. Joe Rosenblatt.’ So we are selling our car to be able to afford to see him.” Lilly understood now why she was guided by Hashem to call. Calmly, she said, “Joe is my husband. Save your car, go pick up your wife. I will call him. Drive to Sylvester Center in the University of Miami and he will take her on as a patient, free of charge.” And as a messenger of Hashem, the One who is truly in control and running the world, Dr. Joe Rosenblatt saved the life of this young woman and made an amazingkiddush Hashem!
May we all be so very cognizant of the words that we say so that we don’t make any nedarim that we cannot keep. We should always remember to pay our donations, or at least say bli neder when pledging, so that we don’t create half-angels. May we also know our priorities by putting our children’s best interests above our business interests. The time spent with our children is an everlasting investment, as opposed to our business matters, which are only temporary. And may we always remember that Hashem is our Av, watching over us and running the world, even behind the scenes in these Three Weeks leading up to Tish’a B’Av.
Rabbi Amram Sananes as written by Jack Rahmey
Do we give more attention to our kids or our phones?
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